"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" ~ C. S. Lewis

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Re-Re-Re-Retail Wednesday

If you stopped over for the Primal Scream Blogfest the post is below or you can just click here or you can read your way down, because I will guarantee you at least one chuckle if you read this post.

I feel like I need some sort of official Sonshine stamp: Satisfaction Guaranteed

Except then it makes me accountable to entertain, oh the horrors!

All right, as you can tell I'm kind of in a weird mood. I think it's the combination of the emotional hangover from last night's Lost and the after effect of reading all of these heart-thumping, heart-attack inducing blog posts from the blog fest.

For those of you new to the blog, I do this every week - I work in a bookstore (Borders to be precise) and a couple of months ago my sis and I were talking about all the insane people you meet in retail. So we decided to do Retail Wednesday! And then people started reading and laughing along with me and suddenly the idiots that shop at my store were no longer annoyances, but humor fodder.
which is kinda like bantha fodder, except with less drool and more mocking.

so if you come to my store, beware, because pretty much all of my coworkers now share their crazy stories with me so I can put them up here for the world to laugh at!

Now onto the Awards!

Outright Bizarre Award:

lemaniesunshine wanted me to do this as a video, because I was reenacting it for everyone, but I'm too lazy to do that, so you'll have to just picture this in your head. Besides, last time I tried to upload video it took like 4 hours. so. Yeah.

I was talking to coworker A about a project. A man comes up behind A, extremely close and suddenly announces, "I need the Dr. Who movies!"

A is so taken aback and startled that she cannot speak and so I offer to take him over to the glass cases where we lock up our TV DVDs so they do not get stolen by the stupid hit and runners like the guy who's been in like 4 times in the last 2 weeks, but he's too fast and smart for us to actually catch him! ahem.

Anyways. I take the man over to the cases and he bends over so that his entire body is covering the case that holds the Dr. Who videos.

(On a totally separate aside, my sis just got me completely hooked on Dr. Who and I think I may just be a little bit smitten with Daniel Tennant.)
Come on, just look at that face!

Back to the story (good grief, this is going to be a long rambly post)

So as the man is leaning over the case, he yips at me, "Can you open it so I can see it?"
Me: Yes, if you move out of the way.
He stands up, but doesn't move back so I can barely get in to unlock it. The second I do he dives in so quickly that he nearly knocks heads with me.

This is an exact replication of the incident

I jumped back, barely clearing his noggin and stumbled back a few paces, startled. He looks for about 1/4 of a second, announces, "I can't stand" and plops himself down in front of the case. Sitting cross-legged on the floor. This is a 50-something man. weird.
He rifles through the handful of Dr. Who DVDs we have. "This would be great, but it's too expensive right now." "I already have this one." "Okay, I'll take this."
Hoists himself up off the ground and walks away. I am so flabbergasted (and honestly trying not to laugh) that I don't even know what to do.

No, wait, I do know - tell everyone and then write about it here :)

Impatience Award:

Yesterday I was helping a woman place an order. She was extremely abrupt - to the point of rudeness - all throughout my encounter with her. Cutting off my sentences, interrupting, jabbing her finger in my face at the computer screen, accusing me of going too fast (when I hadn't done anything, literally). But the last straw came when I clicked "continue" to go to the final ordering page and she snapped after .0000003 seconds, "What are you doing!?"

I looked at her. "Waiting for the page to load."
At which time it did. She glared at me. I think she was trying to find some way to blame me for the computer lag.

At the end she said, "Thanks you've been very helpful" and then stalked away. I wanted to throw something at her, but I don't think that's allowed. *sigh*
Besides, that point isn't nearly sharp enough

Weird Reaction Award:

A customer was walking past the info desk. She turns to me and says, "Where are your books on mythology?"

Me: For kids or for adults?

Girl: For adults.

Me: They're right over here, let me show you. (start walking in the direction)

Girl: (walking in opposite direction) I just wanted to know.

Umm... I haven't told you or shown you anything. And why would you want to know if you don't want to go there? And what part of this exchange makes any sense?

Most Obnoxious Award:

Woman: Do you have journals with locks?

Me: For children?

Woman: For adults.

Me: I'm not sure. Let's check.

Woman: (in threatening, obnoxious voice) Am I going to have to go all the way over to Barnes & Nobles? Because I know they have them.

Me: (well, look at that! Because you outrageously threatened to take your annoying self to my competitor, the journals have magically appeared on our shelves! You should try this more often!)

Your threats are about as scary as Don Carnage's were.
Don't you just LOVE Tale Spin! I got a set for Christmas! Whee!

Wrong Conclusions Award:

Coworker R is working at the register. A customer purchases one small book, so she holds up the bag before putting the book in it and asks if they need one. The customer smiles. "No thanks, I'll save a tree!"

Um... quick science lesson:

Plastic bags like this -

Don't come from trees like this -
just saying.

That's it for Retail Wednesday!


Piedmont Writer said...

As usual, these are priceless. Thanks for the chuckle.

j.m. neeb said...

I had previously been a Retail Wednesday virgin, but now I'm corrupted... and I LOVE IT!! Great, great stuff.

With regard to your concern about "Satisfaction Guaranteed," I offer my readers a double-their-money-back guarantee and that sets my mind completely at ease.

Once I'm done with my Travesties series, I will have to give you a shout out at the Ducks!!

Erin said...

I am totally hooked on Doctor Who, even though we have a new Doctor now, having said good bye to the dreamy and wonderful David Tennant on New Year's Day (heartbreak, believe me!) The new guy is good though, not to worry...

Grammy said...

Ha ha ha! So ridiculous are people, aren't they? Just too funny! I'll be back to read some more retail Wednesdays. thanks for the laughs.

Mary McDonald said...

Those are great! I've never worked in retail, but my husband and son have.

Jemi Fraser said...

The Dr Who fan would have definitely creeped me out a little! That's weird! :)

aLmYbNeNr said...

Omg, Rebecca, this is hilarious! I probably shouldn't have read this during class....snorts are inevitable.

Dangerous With a Pen said...


And my Wednesday is complete.


SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

@Piedmont Writer: You're mighty welcome. I do try :)

@j.m. neeb: Welcome to the chaos! And a shoutout would be unnecessary but appreciated.

@Erin: I am dying to get my hands on the first Tennant one. We watched the 4th series, because it was what was available at the library. I want to watch it all the way through!

@Grammy: People are so ridiculous! Always glad to have you visit :)

@Mary: Retail is like a whole world unto itself. Glad you enjoyed yourself.

@Jemi: He was freaky. End of story :)

@aLmYbNeNr: Maybe I should put a warning at the top :) *snorting may ensue*

@Lindsey: awww... that totally made my night :)

AchingHope said...

Ahahahahaha... Bantha fodder!!

And Dr. Who .... *dreamy look*


This was loads of hilarious.

VW: tatorib, a rib from a potato.

Alan Andrews said...

Great story. I can actually almost see myself collapsing and sitting cross-legged with a bunch of DVDs in my lap. Looking forward to witnessing more stories first hand there.

BTW, here's a free association for you...speaking of David Tennant and Dr. Who, which I've watched occasionally, but haven't really grokked yet, this makes me think of BBCAmerica, which leads me to pose the question, have you watched either of two series "Survivors" or "Being Human?" Both are between seasons right now actually, but very good.

See you Friday.

Alan Andrews said...

Ooh! I had another thunk! The tree-hugging plastic bag made me think of this...about a year ago I was driving one of my special needs clients home. As we neared his residence, he pointed to a heavily wooded area off the starboard bow and said, "you know, Alan, all these trees here are made from 100% recycled materials." :)

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

@Naomi: you are ridiculous. and tatorib! bwa ahahahahah!

@Alan: Oh, yes - you are in for some fun times. And no, I haven't seen either of those. With only basic cable, I'm limited to main stream shows unless someone lets me know about something else or I find them on DVD. And that story - 100% recycled - hahahaha!

lemaniesunshine said...

OMG! Like this lady who got mad and apparently didn't want the Borders card I gave to her so she literally flung it back at me like a frisbee and said "Here! Save a plastic tree!" WTH!

Nezzy said...

People never fail to crack this Ozarks farm chick up and you told it all so well. Heeeheehe, I'm rollin' here. Workin' with the public is almost a funny as workin' with children. What a hoot!!! (I'm retired Special Ed...Middle School)

From the happy hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa, ya'll have a wonderful blessed day!!!

Mia said...

Haha. Oh Gosh, the people you meet at work eh?

Also, YAY for DAVID TENNANT!! Although it's sad because we have a new Doctor now so I miss him... although I think Matt smith definitely has potential *strokes chin* And now you know I'm a doctor who geek too :P

Falen said...

would it be cool or creepy if there were a tree that grew plastic bags instead of leaves?
When the win blows, they detach and float off into the air

Ashley Ladd said...

Love it. I'm a customer service manager in my day job. I'm not in retail so I deal with them over the phone, email, and in writing, but thankfully not face to face.

Still, we also get a lot of strange things from people. One person wants us to send orphans to her, but reading between the lines it sounds like the person wants to be waited on. Another guy wants to correspond with a real live girl. Others donate marital assets then try to get a refund long after when the divorce is final. Another one wants me to order an entire company audit because of one mistake which I apologized for. Someone else wanted us to move all the people out of an entire country and bring them to our country.

You're right. They can provide fun fodder.

Simon C. Larter said...

Stories like this make me glad I don't work in retail anymore. Though, admittedly, it was rather fun for a while. My favorite part of retail was getting access to the PA system. Making fake announcements was fun, at least if I could get through them without cracking myself up. Yeah, I'm that much of a dork.

Thanks for the entertainment, good lady! :)

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

Whoa, I missed some of you. Sorry :0)

@lemanie: hahahahahaha! Really?!

@Nezzy: Thanks for stopping by!

@Mia: Now I'm kind of curious about the new doctor. Curses on not being able to watch it! Is it online anywheres?

@Falen: That would be both creepy AND cool and I think I would like a job as a bag picker :P

@Ashley: People are so ridiculous. Sometimes I just can't believe the things they ask. Thanks for stopping by :)

@Simon: I am really hoping to not be in retail much longer - grad school here I come! - but I will miss the cooky stories I get to tell. Hmmm... fake PA announcements....

Palindrome said...

I love when people are buying BOOKS and say they'll save a tree and not take a bag! Priceless.

And the only journals you can get at the Barne with a lock on them are in the children's department...I'm just saying.