Stagnant and Terrified

How's that for a post title for the first time I'm blogging in oh nigh unto forever.

Yes, I've been busy. Super busy. But then again who isn't?

Yes, I'm juggling multiple chainsaws. But then again who isn't?*

The truth is, I've let my voice get stolen by all the "things" going on. The old paying the bills, trying to get the training to move to a career I will love, spending time with the important people in my life, make sure I stay current on all my favorite tv shows thing. And all of those things are important. And all of them need to get done (okay, so the tv thing doesn't need to get done.... but that's another post altogether).

And little by little in the last two years or so I've just let all these things eat away at this part of me that I didn't even think I would really miss. This little thing called writing. I've been writing papers and essay prompts and exams and e-mails and even managed to post over at our Booksellers Without Borders NY blog.

But it really isn't enough and I had NO idea it wouldn't be enough until this past week.

Last year I wrote a NaNoWriMo rough draft. And I was obsessed with the story. I fell in love with the story and the premise and the characters and I had absolutely no idea where on earth it was going. So I shelved it.

And then I decided that I couldn't write it until I had worked out the plot so I read Save the Cat which blew my mind and I sketched out a beat sheet and I did all this great worldbuilding in my head and I didn't write a single word.

I kept making excuses and it kept haunting me.

And this year I had this "great idea" for NaNoWriMo and I couldn't write anything. I think I bashed out about 2,000 words which was actually just rewriting the first scene about six times.

So I threw in the towel and said I'm just too busy with grad school. I'll get around to writing more one of these days.

Then last week I happened to be online when Miss Snark's First Victim put up the submission details for the Talkin' Heads critique. I was in the middle of a homework assignment and I felt absolutely compelled to drop everything and enter something.

I opened my WIP document and almost almost closed it up and went back to doing what I was "supposed" to be doing. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it. So I dug around and I found a passage and I tweaked and trimmed and revised to get it to fit the word limit and I entered it and I got in.

And then I went back to my homework.

And then Monday I almost forgot about it, until I got the e-mail and I started doing some critiquing - the whole give-and-take if you entered you needed to comment and it was fun and I skipped around and read a lot and commented some and I was absolutely terrified to see what people had said about mine.

But you know what? People liked it. The phrases and dialogue that I loved they loved too. And the turn of phrase that gave me chills gave someone else chills too.

And they offered constructive criticism that made me roll my eyes at my own ridiculousness because of course they were right about this thing I always forget to do.

And I opened up the document and I wrote the first scene and for the first time in over a year I felt completely alive.

And the next night I wrote the next scene.

And the next night I wrote the first scene from the other character's perspective.

Yes because I felt validated that this is something I can do, that this is something I am good at.
But mostly because I HAD to write. I HAVE to get Evva's and Devvon's story on paper (metaphorically speaking of course).

I have always been one of those people that liked to write, but wasn't really driven. If I didn't write for a month or so it didn't bother me. But I don't think I can ignore it anymore. Maybe I'll only write 100 words a day. Maybe it will take me 5 years to finish this flooding** book. But it doesn't matter. What matters is I have to write it.

And somehow, I managed to get all those other things in too. And turn my homework in on time. So there.

*Actually, if you are really juggling actual chainsaws I think I'd like to see that. Or not.
**btw this is Devvon invading my brain

When did this turn into Personal Enlightenment? or NaNo Day 7

Word Count: 11,688 - about a day behind

Mood: Kinda bummed about being behind, but glad it's only a day. Also pretty excited about some things I figured out and kinda emotionally wired.

Surprises: So, my main character decided to go visit her parents and in a too long expository thought block, which will definitely be reduced or completely removed in revisions, she laid out the basic tenets of the society. Now, I knew a number of things already. I knew that it was a rather controlled society. I also knew it was another world. As in not ours. I also knew that this was not going to be a dystopian novel at all. Because it was going to be all about the secret powers and the evil scientists (not that all scientists are evil, but some of the ones in the novel are... not to hurt the feelings of any scientists that randomly stumble across this blog ... okay, writing these posts really late at night is apparently not the best idea.)

Anyhoodles... yeah, so in this expository paragraph I realized that 1) this is TOTALLY a dystopian novel and I started wondering if it's too derivative of Tahereh Mafi, Elana Johnson, and Allie Condie, but deep inside I know it's not - I just happen to have read all of their books fairly recently and it has some sorta similar elements. 2) it totally takes place on earth in the future, which actually makes things a lot simpler and more complicated at the same time. 3) It is about the secret powers and the evil scientists, but it's also about a girl who has to figure out who she is in a world where people are completely defined by their Pair. You basically aren't anything on your own. Nothing. You're a second-class citizen. So even if you're an amazing doctor or a fabulous chef, your talent is repressed. And it's all about how Evva has to find out who she is alone. Not as a girl, not as half of a Pair, but as herself and who she wants to be and what she wants to do, no matter what other people tell her. 4) It feels a little uncomfortable, because it's pretty different than anything I've ever written. But it feels really right. I'm single. I've been single my whole life and it's really hard to navigate a world where people are defined by their relationship status. No matter what people say, it's true. Is it something that's changing? Yes and no. Life in our world is designed for couples. It's natural. I don't have a problem with that. I really, truly don't. But it's hard to be on the outside of that sometimes. So I like the idea of writing a book that isn't a romance.It isn't about who the girl will end up with in the end. In fact, I already know that Evva doesn't end up with anybody, though there will certainly be some cute boys along the way. Because you have to know who you are and what you want and what you have to offer the world before you can truly be able to enjoy that in someone else. And that's a message that I feel often gets overlooked a bit in YA fiction (though I totally love a lot of those squee worthy boys). And I'm totally not dissing ANYONE who writes romance or has a romance in their novel. This is just something I have to write, whether it goes anywhere or not. 5) I totally didn't mean to get on my soapbox there, but I feel a lot better and I'm really excited about where this novel is going, no matter what happens.

Phew. so, any soul wrenching revelations come to you while you write? Do share!