Dusting off ye olde blog

I put this blog into stasis mode for a while, trying to deal with a LOT of things going on in my life. BUT exciting things have happened and I had a couple of post ideas I wanted to write with nowhere to post them. And I have some people in my life who want to keep up with things that happen to me once I leave them so I figured, hey, I've got this blog - why not use it again.

Here are a few of the super exciting things that have happened in the last six month that I will be writing about or that have led to things that I will want to write about:

1. I finished my second Master's degree in December. Let's just say I had the most insane 3 1/2 years of my life before that. I was getting my Master's in English and working as a TA teaching college English and after a year I decided I didn't want to go for my PhD in English - instead I wanted to go for Library Science. Because libraries rock. And because I wanted to work with students, but not necessarily teach regular classes. So I started applying and got into an amazing online program which I jumped into the fall after I graduated with my MA. And because I'm insane I took 3 classes a quarter (while teaching 2-3 freshman English classes as and adjunct) so I could finish my degree in 5 quarters. The time flew by and the classes were amazing and I felt for the first time in a really long time that I was in the right field on the right path for me.
2. I got a job. So I had the two degrees - now I needed a job. I went through the process of preparing my resume and cv and writing cover letters and finding all of the random information about previous jobs that I never could have imagined I would need to know. I sent out dozens of applications. And I got what is essentially my dream job. I am so blessed and I praise God for His guidance in this every day because I never in a million years could have believed I would get this job as my first library job.
3. I am going to move. EEP. I've been living at home because my parents are amazing and let me live rent free while I'm in school. And I actually like my family. But the job is in the next state over. And I can finally afford my own place with the new job. And I'm ready to move out. (really ready). And I found a great little apartment and everything is amazingly falling into place.

So those are the crazy things that have been going on in my life since December. And I will be, at some point, writing about the things I learned about applying and job hunting and interviews. And I am narcissistic enough to want to post things about my new apartment and the crazy things I am sure will happen as I move out on my own away from everyone I know. So here they will be.

Ciao!

Ostentatiously Odd

I am running out of ideas.

Okay, not really, but I admit that some of these days are starting to grow difficult to come up with things - or difficult to find time to do something of substance. Thank you all for sticking with me through the, um, fluff that I sometimes spew. :)

Anyhoo.

Today, at work, I was talking about my "N" post with my boss (whom we affectionately call "El Jefe" and LemanieSunshine ( a new follower to my blog and a newbie to the blogger world because I talk about it ad nauseum.)

Anyways.

So I was saying that I didn't know what to do for "O". So they start throwing random things out. Eventually the conversation (after customer interruptions, I mean, needs and other business stuff (stupid work getting in the way of socialization!)) (I can't believe I just did a parentheses inside a parentheses.) so the conversation got on to other things. I mentioned the hilarious owl poems people have been leaving me including the one that incorporated David Bowie. Except my mouth wasn't working and I pronounced it like buoy instead of Bowie. Lemanie had to correct me since she is obsessed with him. I assured her I knew the right way to pronounce it.

Then I grinned and said, "David Buoy is the one that floats out in the ocean to warn ships."

And THAT started us off on a kick of these stupid jokes.

They were so randomly odd, I decided I would use my friends, once again, as a cop out for me actually writing something. :P

Here are our contributions:

What do you call a guy that lays on the porch?

Matt!

What do you call a guy that hangs on the wall?

Art!

What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen!

What do you call a guy floating in a pool?

Bob!

What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?

Russell!

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Peg!

Don't you wish you worked with people like that?

So, do you have any stupid "what do you call..." jokes? (Keep them clean :)

Retail Wednesday!!!!

And now it's time for the post you've all been waiting for... (and by all I mean my sister, of course)... the First Weekly Retail Wednesday Blog!

Wherein I share with you the quirks, idiocy and downright insanity of working in retail! ::loud cheering commences::

Award for the Strangest Topic: The customer that asked me where the books on Antique Construction Equipment were.

Whoa! This picture came up when I Googled "strange" - 1st picture too!

Antique Construction Equipment? Is there a market for those things? I never knew! Guess I can get rid of those old pavers, bulldozers and bucket trucks that have been piling up behind my house!

Award for Most Idiotic Customer: Woman who CLIMBED up the shelves to reach a book on the top shelf. When I asked her not to stand on the shelves, because they are only held up by small metal pins, she responded (in a muttered voice) "I'm only 100 lbs and she tells me I'm gonna collapse the shelf."

(to myself I think... I kind of wish those shelves had collapsed and EVERY BOOK HAD FALLEN ON YOUR HEAD!)

Under this mound is a 100 lb. woman begging for my forgiveness >:)

Densest Customer Award: Looking for books on social work. I tell her I've looked that topic up for people before and we don't carry anything. She tells me to use this keyword, then that keyword, then a combination of the keywords. I patiently do, showing her that each time nothing comes up. Reiterate that I have looked this up for people before and have never been able to find something under that keyword. She will need a title or more specific information. She asks me 5 more times to try looking it up, then spends half an hour browsing the computer herself, asks another employee (who immediately asks me if I've seen anything - that made me laugh because she got so annoyed) and still cannot find anything. Hmmmm... I've been working here for almost 4 years, maybe I know more than you!

See, you as the customer know one block's worth of knowledge about what we carry.

I, as the employee, know the entire giant block's worth of knowledge about what we carry. Let us compare...

Most Annoying Award: (This belongs to those things that customers do over and over that drive me absolutely batty.) Customer is using the computer. I approach and ask if there is anything I can help them with. Customer says no in a definitive tone. I begin to walk away and the customer yells after me, "Where are the books like this?" I turn around to see the customer gesturing wildly at the computer screen. I then spend the next ten minutes helping the customer that did NOT need my help.

Can they give me one of these buttons to make the customer disappear?

Tune in next week to see what new and interesting things people in retail will throw my way!

My Job is Never Boring

Sometimes some seriously random things occur at my job. I work in a bookstore and I think bookstores attract bizarreness. (Yes that is a word)

1. Yesterday our e-mail was down. Completely not working. When we called tech support, there was a recorded message with the following message. "We are currently experiencing e-mail outages affecting stores that end in the number 7."

Really? Seriously? Only stores that end in the number 7? How is that even possible!? I started laughing so hard I had to hang up the phone.

2. I had a customer call to find out if we had a book in stock. I checked for it, but it wasn't on the shelf, so I told him I was sorry, but we didn't have it. He said, "Well, that's funny because online it says you have it. So I told him, I'm sorry, but I just checked the section and it's not there. So he gets all hostile and says, "That's funny, because every $#(*%& store within 50 miles says the same (*$%& thing." To which I am now ready to hang up the phone, because I do NOT get paid enough to be sworn at on the phone. So I say good-bye (politely as I can) and hang up. The book? Marijuana Horticulture.

Again I say, Really? If it is so important that you find this book that you must call every bookstore in a 50 mile radius, then maybe you should just order it online. Oh, wait, you don't want to do that, because you have to put in your ADDRESS and NAME and, oh yeah, growing marijuana is ILLEGAL!

3. We had a bunch of stuffed animals that went on sale really cheap, so a lady and her son bought 4 giant bags worth of them. I was thinking to myself, what on earth are they going to do with 60 stuffed animals?

The lady was kind enough to talk about it with her son while they were at the register, so I got the answer to my question. "The cats will love these!" she said.

What kind of cats do you think they have?

How May I Help You?

Somehow, when you work in a bookstore, people come to see you, not as a regular human being, but as some sort of conglomeration of encyclopedia/ computer/ therapist/ confidante/ summarizer/ judge/ magician. I do not know why this is, but it is.
Let me illustrate with some brief, and most importantly REAL scenarios (or based on real scenarios) that I or my coworkers have lived through. Some are funny, some are sad, some are down right WEIRD.

(note: any and all books I may or may not mention are only for illustrative purposes and I am not recommending/reviewing or otherwise supporting any of the said listed books)

Encyclopedia:
Man: (Rushes through store to information desk, gasping for breath.) I have a strange question for you. What is the name of the doctor that works with Beaker, you know, the muppet that just meeps?

Me: (trying not to laugh) I don't really know.

Man: Well can you look it up somewhere?

I find a book in Self Help written by Kermit the Frog and find the name (which is Honeydew, by the way, Bunsen Honeydew). Customer thanks me and races back out of the store without buying ANYTHING.

Computer:
Lady: Excuse me, do you have "Falcon at the Portal"?

Me: Let me just look it up.

Lady: (huffs in exasperation) Well, just tell me where it would be.

Me: I don't know. I'm not familiar with that title. Let me check.

Lady: Well, the author's incredibly popular and sells a lot of books. I'm sure you have them.

Therapist:
Lady: I'm sorry, I'm kind of out of it. My sister died yesterday, so I'm just trying to figure things out.

Confidante
Little Old Lady: Could you please tell me where the books on the Kama Sutra are? My husband is too embarrassed to ask, but we're looking for something to spice things up a little.

Me: TMI!!!

Summarizer:
Teenage Boy: Out of these five books on my summer reading list, which one is shortest, but also interesting so it will keep my attention and what are they all about?

Me: Would you like me to write your paper for you too?

Judge:
Man: I'm looking for books on indoor gardening.

Me: Let me see what the computer says we have. (scroll through several pages) It doesn't look like we have anything in stock.

Man: No, I saw something a couple pages back (points at book on hydroponic marijuana)

Me: (in calm, even, bored tone) Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was what you were looking for. (Yes, we sell books on this. I just show people to the books, that's all)

Man: (snaps) No comments, please, just show me to the section.

Magician:
Lady: I was in here last April and you had a book on a table in the front of the store that looked really interesting. It had a blue cover and was written by a woman and I think it was $24.95. Do you know the book I'm talking about?


If there is one thing true about my job, it is that I am NEVER bored. Ever.