Feeling Lost without Lost?
Wondering what to do on Wednesday night and Thursday without new fodder for discussion?
Ready for a laugh?
Once again my sister, Aching Hope, has come up with a brilliant fake episode. Please enjoy!
5½.1 "Just the Beginning"
Opens with the Swan Station and Sawyer, etc are running away from the magnetic hole. There’s a white flashy light and lots of noise and confusion.
Fwoomp!
Back to the beach.
Locke and Ben come out of the statue. Richard and the others are standing around Dead-Locke.
Locke: (seeing Ilana, looking at Ben) I told you they were coming.
Ben: (looks and sees Dead-Locke, his eyes go all wide. He looks to Locke.) You lied to me.
Locke: So? You lied to me.
Richard: (cocks his gun and points it at Locke.) Who are you?
Ilana and her gang lift up their guns too and the Others do as well, thinking, hey, why not. That’s what we usually do.
Locke: (Raising his hands up peacefully, you slug) I told you who I am. My name is John Locke.
Ilana: Liar. (Points to dead Locke) This is the man you speak of. Jacob came to me and told me to help him, and I did. I found this man. And I found you. You weren’t on that plane. Were you?
Ben: Well, were you Locke?
Locke: (looking at Richard.) No. I wasn’t. I’m surprised you didn’t recognize me.
Richard: (Dawning realization! He is beginning to look really, really scared.)
Ben: But the Island told me to follow you. The Island said…
Locke: Did it? Did it really? Because as far as I know, the Island had nothing to do with it. First you saw black smoke, which I conveniently control. And then you saw Alex. Poor, dear Alex. You do realize she’s dead, don’t you? You didn’t really think she would come back from the grave just to tell you to follow a stupid little man named John Locke.
Ben: (starting to get that psycho look)
Richard: Ben. Where is Jacob?
Ben: (turning to Richard) I killed him, Richard.
Dun Dun Dun!
LOST
An older woman is getting out of bed when the alarm goes off. She turns on a record player. Retro music playing. Said older woman is doing regular morning things and we’re thinking, haven’t I seen this scene before with Chang, with Juliet, with Desmond? But then the door slams open and a younger woman comes in. The older woman looks up.
Older woman: Yes, Anna?
Younger woman: They’re here. Just like you said they would be.
Older woman: Are you sure?
Younger woman: Yes. I still have the photo you gave me.
Older woman: (sinks into the couch, we still haven’t seen her face.) What will happen to them?
Younger woman: (shrugging) I don’t know. But I think they’re going to kill one of them.
Older woman: Which one?
Younger woman: They say his name is Sawyer.
The camera swings around and you see that it’s an older Juliet.
Dun Dun Dun
Beach:
Richard: What do you mean you killed him?
Ben: I mean I killed him. What else could that mean, Richard?
Richard: You have no idea what you just did.
Ben: Well, no one took the time to explain it to me, did they? What was I supposed to do?
Locke: (All smug) You should have listened. You never were good at listening.
Ilana: Enough. We have no time for this.
Locke: Or what?
Ilana: The Island cannot tell you everything, no matter who you are. There was one more thing Jacob told me that you should know.
Locke: What?
Ilana: It isn’t over. Close your eyes.
Locke: What?
Ilana: Close your eyes.
There’s a bright flashy time-travel light. Sawyer, Sayid, Hurley, Miles, Jack, and Kate all fall from the sky and land on the beach.
Sayid: Uhhhg…
Hurley: Dudes, where are we?
Others: All cock their guns and point them at the others, I mean, the ones from the plane crash, I mean the original thems of the opposite of others. Oh good grief. The Losties. The ones that fell from the sky a few moments ago.
Bram: What are they doing here?
Ilana: they are meant to be here.
Frank: Oh boy.
Jack: What do you mean we’re supposed to be here?
Locke: Hello Jack.
Jack: (makes a confused face.) You’re dead?
Ilana: Yes.
Ben: And no.
Richard: It’s complicated.
Jack: (whhhhaaaat face)
Miles: Uh, there’s a dead body. (Points at the box.)
Hurley: Dude! That’s Locke. But you’re Locke. (Points at Locke.) But there’s two of you. But that’s not possible, because you’re dead.
Richard: As we said, it’s complicated. Unfortunately, Locke here, (points to Locke) isn’t exactly who he says he is.
Hurley: So, what is he?
Richard: (smiling) That, my friend, is a very good question.
Hurley: Um, I know this is kinda’ like, a bad time, considering we just time traveled and there’s a living dead guy and stuff, but, are you like, immortal or something?
Richard: Or something.
Hurley: Oh. That’s helpful.
Bram: What’s with the guitar? (Yes, Hurley somehow still has the guitar with him, although we’re still not sure why.) Can I play it?
Hurley: No. Some guy named Jacob gave it to me, and it’s kinda like, you know, special.
Richard: Some guy named Jacob gave it to you? You mean, THE Jacob?
Hurley: Is there more than one?
Miles: Uh, no, Hurley. There’s only one guy in the world named Jacob. (Rolls eyes.)
Hurley: Wait. Is Jacob here? Can I talk to him? I never thanked him for getting me out of prison.
Locke: I’m afraid that’s not possible, Hugo.
Hurley: What? Why?
Richard: Jacob’s dead.
Hurley: What? How? Who killed him?
Ben: I did. I killed Jacob. (Hurley is surprised.) Do you have a problem with that?
Hurley: Do you?
Ben: You really have no idea, do you?
Miles: Uh, do you? (thinking: you guys are all idiots.)
Locke: So what are you guys going to do now?
They all look at him.
Ben: What would you have us do?
Locke: (smiles) I guess you’ll just have to trust me.
The Others slowly put down their guns.
Richard: I don’t think you’re still our leader.
Locke: I think I am.
Ilana: And what would we call you?
Locke: Locke. That’s who I am now.
Ilana: What were you before?
Locke: (smiles but doesn’t answer.)
Hurley: What did people call you before you, like, replicated John Locke’s body?
Locke: Some people called me Pete. (Starts walking toward the jungle.)
Richard: (still has his gun pointed at Locke.) Where are you going?
Locke: I can’t tell you right now. But if anyone wants to join me, they can feel free to follow.
Richard: I can’t let you do that, Locke.
Locke: (turns around toward Richard) Then I guess you’ll have to kill me.
We hear a gunshot go off.
It wasn’t Locke who was shot. He’s fine. (Except for his true dead body, which is dead and lying on the beach.)
Richard drops to his knees. Sayid is standing behind him. They all stare at him like, what??? But he had to shoot someone this episode.
Kate: (running and kneeling next to Richard, because that’s what she does, she runs up to hurt people and wishes she could heal them.) Why did you do that?
Sayid: Does it matter anymore? (He goes and stands by Locke.) I don’t know who you are exactly, but it doesn’t really matter.
Locke: I know. (Pats Sayid on the shoulder.) Does anybody else want to join us? Ben?
Ben: (shakes his head.)
Locke: You know, Ben, you don’t really have a choice.
Kate: (looks from Locke to Ben while trying to stop Richard from bleeding.) What is he talking about?
Ben: (looking down at Kate.) I wish I could tell you, but I don’t know. (Looks at Locke.) I don’t know anything anymore.
Kate: What? You always know what’s going on. You’re Ben.
Ben: I won’t always be Ben, Kate. (He goes off with Locke.)
Miles: (To Hurley.) You gonna’ go with them?
Hurley: No way man, they’re all psycho killers.
Miles: Right.
Hurley: So, I guess you’re going to follow them?
Miles: Why? Because I can talk to dead people?
Hurley: I guess. I don’t know. I thought you just liked hanging around psycho crazy people.
Miles: (stares at Hurley.) Uh. No.
Hurley: But you’re going to follow them, right? Because it’s like, your destiny or something? I don’t know. I just thought you would.
Richard: Hurley’s right, you should follow them.
Miles: Why don’t you, eyeliner man?
Ilana: In case you didn’t notice, Richard’s been shot. I will go follow them, you may come with me if you like.
Miles: Sure. Why not. It’s not like I had anything better to do.
(He starts to leave, Ilana tells Bram to stay on the beach and follows him.)
Hurley: (To Jack) He’s going to be okay, right?
Jack: No, Hurley. He’s not.
Kate: What do you mean?
Jack: The shot went right into the lower intestines. He’s going to die in a matter of minutes. There’s nothing I can do.
Kate: What? But you have to do this. You have to fix him.
Jack: Well, Kate. I can’t fix everything.
Kate: But you’re Jack. That’s what you do.
Jack: Really, Kate? Because as much as I try to fix things I’m always breaking them.
Hurley: Whoa, break it up guys. I think Richard’s… I think he’s dying.
They all turn and watch Richard breathe one last time. Ahhhhh!
Meanwhile in the jungle:
Locke stops because he hears rustling behind him. Ilana and Miles come out of the jungle.
Locke: What are you doing here?
Miles: We decided to join you, what does it look like we’re doing?
Locke: You’re not going to like where we’re going.
Sayid: Where are we going?
Locke: Somewhere very special.
They start tramping in the woods.
Miles: (Grumbling) Everything is special.
Ben: (smiles.)
Beach:
Hurley: Is he dead?
Jack: Yes, Hurley. He’s dead.
Hurley: Whoa. I didn’t think he could die.
Sawyer: (finally standing up from where he was sitting this whole time.) Yes Hurley. Anyone of us could die. (Totally what Daniel said because everyone is always quoting each other.)
Hurley: I’m sorry about, you know. Juliet.
Sawyer: It wasn’t your fault, big guy.
Bram: What are we going to do now?
Sun and Jin finally realize that they’re together again. They hug and kiss. Awwwww….so cute.
Jack: I don’t know.
Someone off camera: I might.
They all turn.
It’s Jacob!!!!!! He’s not dead.
Hurley: But I thought you were dead, man.
Jacob: (smiling) No. Not yet. (Kneeling down and touching Richard and healing him. Yay!) Where’s Locke? And Ben?
Hurley: They went into the jungle all macho gung-ho. They’re crazy psycho killers.
Jacob: I know.
Hurley: So…. Is it like over? Do we just let them go and live our normal lives?
Jacob: No. It’s not over. The war has just begun.
Dun Dun Dun Dun!!!!!
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